I’ve been seeing all sorts of articles and studies showing the importance of having mom friends. Like this one from Scary Mommy that proudly totes “EVEN SCIENCE SAYS YOUR MOM FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT!” Or this one from Healthline that gives you the “TOP 5 REASONS YOU NEED MOM FRIENDS!”
Are mom friends the new trend? The new thing that you have to feel bad about not having or stress about finding? I remember in college I had a vision of “mom friends” that consisted of 3 blonde women in Juicy Couture velour jumpsuits pushing their babies in expensive strollers while drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes and discussing their vaginal rejuvenation surgeries. (Can you tell I grew up in Southern California?) This caricature held no appeal for me and was added to the long list of why I would never have kids. Much of my experience with other women was competitive and required judging each other or joining forces and judging other women. Here’s where I would normally wander into a narrative about the destructive culture of girl-on-girl hate designed by the patriarchy to keep women focused on our own insecurities and shortcomings rather than tackling the gross injustices aimed at our gender since the beginning of time, but I’ll stay on topic. For now.
Listen Mama, you don’t need mom friends because you need their advice or help. You don’t need mom friends because they give you hand-me-downs. You don’t need mom friends because it’s good for your child’s cognitive development. These are all wonderful side effects of having mom friends, but this is not WHY you need them.
You need mom friends because you are a human being that requires community, socialization, and DEEP connection for survival. This doesn’t just mean coffee dates and playing at the park while you talk about the major blowout your baby had yesterday or the great deal you got on binkies at Target. Those mom friends are great to have, but they do not necessarily serve a NEED. The type of mom friend you need is the one who can hold you while you sob about sleep deprivation, the lack of intimacy in your marriage, or the fact that you feel like a stranger in your own body. This type of mom friend can empathize when you express extreme fear and sadness about the fact that you feel your old self dying as your mothering self is born. She can hold your baby while you sleep and you won’t worry when your baby cries. She can come hang out in your filthy house, stacked with dirty dishes and covered in dog hair, without you feeling the slightest bit of shame or guilt. She sees YOU. Hidden beneath the facade of being “fine”, buried under the shield of survival mode that you’ve donned to get through each day, she can see your struggle and sit with you in it. She doesn’t need to fix it or tell you how she got through it. She simply holds space for your grief/anger/sadness/fear and lets you feel it completely, instead of pushing it down or curing it. And when you have those small (or huge) wins, like pumping 4 oz or sleeping 5 hours or showering or journaling or finishing an entire conversation with your partner, she celebrates as though you just won the freaking Nobel Prize! Because she knows. She knows the loneliness and isolation that our society has created for new moms. She knows how quiet those late nights are while your baby is cluster feeding and your partner is snoring. She knows how confusing it feels when you have an aversion to breastfeeding rooted in the treatment of your enslaved ancestors. She knows how painful it is having sex that first time after having baby and the hollow feeling of wondering if you’ll ever orgasm again. But she also knows that you will rise from this rubble a stronger, prouder, more badass woman. Especially if you have someone beside you reminding you that, while all of this is normal, it is not YOUR normal and it does not have to be suffered in silence. You have the right to share this experience with someone who knows. You are worthy of the love of a great friend, a kindred spirit, who can hold your hand through these trying times beyond the acceptable social norms.
If you’re reading this and wondering “HOW? How do I find this person?”, my recommendation is to first BE this person to someone else. Women are not meant to live alone, much less parent alone. (And your partner doesn’t really count on this level). I’m sure we’ve all heard the story that Brene Brown tells about a village where all the women washed clothes together down by the river. When they all got washing machines, there was a sudden outbreak of depression and no one could figure out why. It wasn't the washing machines in and of themselves. It was the absence of time spent doing things together. It was the absence of community. It was the absence of DEEP connection. So start today. Be the friend to another woman or mama who needs your empathy and support and hold that responsibility with deep reverence. Find a community member who you’ve seen struggling and offer to hold space for them. I promise, once you open yourself up to this kind of profound relationship, it will come back for you when you need it. But this requires that you STOP SHAMING other moms. Stop judging them. Stop comparing. It also requires that you be vulnerable enough to ask for support. So ask. Ask for the shoulder to cry on. Ask for the unusually long hug. Ask for the ear to listen to your concerns about parenthood and its affect on your life. You are qualified to be this person to someone else and you are worthy of having this person in your life.
Here in Fort Collins, CO I host weekly mama meetups with the hopes that regularly spending time with other mamas will start the process of deep connection and bonding, but it does have to go further than that. So find the mama meetups, connect with other mamas, and open yourself up to this REAL, off-trend mom friend. I can guarantee you that it will fill your soul in a way that no relationship ever has.
